I helped a friend out who knew nothing of writing, re-write this story into something more powerful. I'm not a romance guy. I'm an Epic Fantasy fantatic. But my friend-Marilyn Tepepa-was a great friend of mine, so I couldn't say no. You can say that this was "our" project. I lost the other two chapters, but here is the first.
I really like my descriptions. If it's one thing that I love about my writing are my descriptions, and I improve everyday. Thank You Robert Jordan!!!
Una Historia de dos Almas Gemelas
On one particular Saturday night, Mary and her friend Leila were driving to their destination: La Mirage. It was the hottest place to go, for the time, and Mary was looking pretty hot herself. What, with her knee length fitted black dress that exposed legs that most guys would die for, and curves that women were envious of. Leila was a bit darker, being garbed in earth green and brown colors, but her short and wavy hair colored autumn leaves highlighted her earthly eyes that glistened like the visible stars above them. It was a clear night, and with every inch forward, Mary saw crowds and crowds of people.
Guys here are a trip, Leila had said once, warning her of the men that hunt women like tigers pouncing like pray. Mary had remembered a Chinese proverb: Corner a mouse, and it will scratch like a cat. She came here to party, not to fast talk with some guy. Leila came to party as well, but the way she partied…Mary knew that she was the designated driver. Already being put on edge that she could not touch a drink, she pushed the anger away and focused on the night ahead. The thought still lingered in the back of her head.
It was a fun night…so far. Men and women wearing today’s fashions danced and shook and did whatever just to have fun. Music occasionally switched from Hip-Hop to Soft Rock, but never touched on Metal or Pop. Some people left because of that. To Mary, however, it did not matter. She danced, not in an attracting way like some of the other were, but that still did not ward men from approaching her. She must have turned down six guys before that lingering thought crept back into her mind. As much as she fought it, it was there. That urge to drink. Maybe after a drink, I can calm down…
The bar had a window that kissed the roof, and a imitation palm tree was its side, with fluorescent lighting bordering the window. She slumped on a stool, trying to cover her legs from the sheer coolness that suddenly entered the room.
“What would you like to have…miss” The bartender had asked. He scanned her up and down, measuring her, objectifying her. She reconsidered having put on that dress. Leila was having the time of her life. Any drink would give her a good time.
Can’t drink. It was useless thinking that, as she already asked for a miller draft. To her surprise, however, another man stepped up to the plate. She was going to have to strike him out as well. Though he was pretty big, arms heavy with muscle that made it seem his shirt were to rip, sandals and blue jeans, golden like eyes that just shined in the white light…and…and…
Well…his guy can’t be bad.
His approach was normal. A normal walk, hands out of pocket and chest up.
“How many guys already tried to talk to you?” He had a low tenor, which made Mary’s legs shake a little bit. Something was stirring within her. IT was a…weird feeling…something she has not felt in a while. As she was scanning him from head to tow, his eyes were dead-set on hers. He was not objectifying her…
“Countless.” It was more like six, seven including him, but the answer just came out.
“I can imagine. Oh, where are my manners, certainly not in some dumpster!” He let out an open hand. “I’m Raphael Alma Sustantivo, but everyone just calls me ‘Rafy’”
“It’s late!” Rafy had exclaimed. His gold watch read one o’clock in the morning. He and Mary had been talking for a while about so many things…life, dreams…love was inevitable. His journey might end here with this woman, his journey for his maiden. So many have left him before, but something about her just felt…right. He figured that she felt the same way. He wanted to speak some more however, but his watch told him not too. He saw Leila, who was introduced. She was knocked out cold. He needed to wrap this up, unfortunately.
“Mary.” He called, and she spun, a great smile as bright as a crescent moon paved her face. “Puedo obtener su número de teléfono ... amigo?” It was his killer move, a low voice that was surprisingly a whisper. It crept underneath women and made them shudder. Not in a bad way…but in a more…sexy way.
“No” Wait…what just happened? Being around women his entire life was not working for him right now. Great, he just blew it, the one chance at love, and he just-
“Dame el tuyo y yo te llamo.” Raphael blinked. She was playing hardball…Raphael’s arms tensed with excitement as a smile started cracking on his face. He sighed and smiled, writing his phone number on a spare piece of paper, then handed it to her.